What to Expect When Your Friend is No Longer Expecting

At 21 weeks gestation I suddenly found myself no longer expecting. I had been having some issues, but was only in the hospital for monitoring; no one thought I would leave that stay no longer pregnant. Instead, I was very suddenly and quickly thrown into giving birth, loving on my baby, and giving her back to God. It was a shock to us and everyone around us. 

We were blessed time and time again by family, friends, coworkers, our community, and even strangers. It was amazing to see. 

One thing that I noticed though, was that while this was so incredibly difficult for Rusty and I, it was hard on everyone who loved us and cared for us as well. It was evident in the tears shed, the prayers said, and the tight hugs that didn’t want to let go. 

There are self-help books on everything. The famous pregnancy one, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” is probably read by most pregnant women. But what about when you’re suddenly NOT pregnant? What can you expect then? And what can you expect if you’re the friend of one of these grieving mamas or daddies? I know it is so hard to know what to do, because you want to help without offending. I’ve been there. And unfortunately, I’m now on the other side. So if you find yourself reading this and you know someone who has had a miscarriage or outlived their child (hey there, how are you?) here are some things to expect:

• They will need your support. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially...whatever you can give, they need. In the days and weeks after Nora’s birth, we were supported in more ways than I could count. I had friends who I knew I could call or text to cry with, I had people send me scripture and devotionals, I had so many hugs, and we even had strangers send us money to cover Nora’s memorial. One day I’ll write about my March Moms and the impact they had. For now, just know that however you can support a grieving mama, she needs it. Those hugs and verses of scripture meant just as much to me as the gift cards or hot meals. We were taken care of in every aspect. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it was to not have to worry with every day tasks like the grocery store when my heart had just been shattered.
• There are no right or wrong words. Every time someone would tell me “I just don’t know what to say” I responded with “I don’t know what I want to hear.” I had a friend tell me later that she felt like that was such a good response, and took the pressure off of finding the right words. Because guys, there are no right words. No words you could possibly say will take the hurt away. So please don’t be silent for fear of saying the wrong thing. I promise, I would rather hear something that made me cry than nothing at all. Don’t be afraid to talk about their child or bring them up (unless they’ve specifically asked you not to, of course). Personally, when someone mentions Nora’s name, or asks about her story, I feel a flutter of joy because I get to talk about her.
• They will have good days and bad days. I just said how much I love talking about Nora. I do, on good days. But then there are bad days, where I don’t want to talk to anyone and I just want to crawl under the covers. I know I’ve probably made people question whether they said something that upset me because I was short with them. The truth is, at that moment I could probably feel the panic setting in and I was planning my escape route. Know that you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t offend them, you didn’t say something that set them off...they’re probably just having a bad day, and that's ok.  
• Skip the “how are you”s. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with asking how they are, but some days it is so exhausting to try to explain it. The fact is, they’re probably awful and miserable but putting on a happy face and doing whatever they have to do to make it through the day. When you ask how they are doing, they have to choose whether to drag you down into despair with them or if they are going to keep their happy face on. That road to despair is long and tiring, so oftentimes if I’m there I don’t feel like journeying back to you to bring you with me. And when I do, I end up feeling guilty sometimes for dragging others down; not because I think they don’t want to hear it, but because I know most of them don’t truly understand and are left stunned trying to figure out what to say when there is nothing to say. So instead of asking “How are you?”, simply tell them you love them, you’re praying for them, they’re on your heart, you’re thinking of them, or you hope they’re finding peace. Sending them a message like this lets them know you’re thinking of them, and it gives them the opportunity to open up if they feel like it at that moment. It takes the pressure off having to answer a question about their mental state if they can’t handle it right then. 
• Expect drastic mood changes. I can go from lighthearted and laughing to crying and grieving in the span of a few minutes. From what I’ve read this is normal. Don’t be surprised if this happens, just love them through it. A hug or a pat on the hand means more than anything you could say, so don’t try to figure out what to say if you’re feeling stunned by their sudden mood change. 
• Allow them to be bitter and angry without trying to fix them. This one's a tricky one, because honestly, it just depends on my mood. There are days when I'm falling into a pit of hopelessness and I just want someone to wallow in it with me. I want someone to say, "You're so right. The world is awful and unfair and unkind." But then there are some days when I need someone to finish up that sentence with a BUT...But, one day, you will see your baby girl again and hold her and all of the sufferings of this time won't compare to that glory. (Romans 8:18) I still hang on to that verse daily. Some days I need that reassurance, and some days I just need someone to listen to me without trying to make me feel better. In reality, there is no "feeling better"; there's just "making it". If you're the friend of a grieving mama or daddy, try to focus not on fixing them, but agreeing with them in their grief and offering hope. 
• Avoid the “could they not”s and “did they try”s. You have no idea how long we agonize over every single detail of our child’s birth and death. Every single moment is replayed constantly and we continuously ask ourselves those questions. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently and I constantly beat myself up over not pressuring the NICU to do more, but in the end God knew what was going to happen. I have to tell myself that the reason I didn’t press them was because it wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I have to believe that in my heart, you understand? Because if I lean into the “what if”s, then that brings in doubt, and guilt, and shame, and puts the blame on ME and that is not in any way healthy. That is Satan creeping in trying to make me lose my mind. On the off chance you think of something the doctor’s didn’t, I sure don’t want to know about it. 
• Most of all, pray for them. Especially in this season. We are surrounded by blessing and good tidings, and while there are surely things to be thankful for, our heart is broken and it is so, so hard to sort through the shattered pieces to find the ones still in tact. We will; we have to. So just pray for peace. Pray for strength. Pray for comfort. Pray for Satan to stay far, far away. Pray for the light of Jesus to shine. 

That is my prayer, for all of you mamas out there with empty arms and shattered hearts.